Act II, Scene 2

Rousillon - The COUNT’s palace

[Enter COUNTESS and Clown]

Countess. Come on, sir; I shall now put you to the height of

            your breeding.

Clown. I will show myself highly fed and lowly taught: I

            know my business is but to the court.

Countess. To the court! why, what place make you special,

            when you put off that with such contempt? But to the court!

Clown. Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any manners, he

            may easily put it off at court: he that cannot make

            a leg, put off's cap, kiss his hand and say nothing,

            has neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap; and indeed

            such a fellow, to say precisely, were not for the

            court; but for me, I have an answer will serve all

            men.

Countess. Marry, that's a bountiful answer that fits all

            questions.

Clown. It is like a barber's chair that fits all buttocks,

            the pin-buttock, the quatch-buttock, the brawn

            buttock, or any buttock.

Countess. Will your answer serve fit to all questions?

Clown. As fit as ten groats is for the hand of an attorney,

            as your French crown for your taffeta punk, as Tib's

            rush for Tom's forefinger, as a pancake for Shrove

            Tuesday, a morris for May-day, as the nail to his

            hole, the cuckold to his horn, as a scolding queen

            to a wrangling knave, as the nun's lip to the

            friar's mouth, nay, as the pudding to his skin.

Countess. Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness for all

            questions?

Clown. From below your duke to beneath your constable, it

            will fit any question.

Countess. It must be an answer of most monstrous size that

            must fit all demands.

Clown. But a trifle neither, in good faith, if the learned

            should speak truth of it: here it is, and all that

            belongs to't. Ask me if I am a courtier: it shall

            do you no harm to learn.

Countess. To be young again, if we could: I will be a fool in

            question, hoping to be the wiser by your answer. I

            pray you, sir, are you a courtier?

Clown. O Lord, sir! There's a simple putting off. More,

            more, a hundred of them.

Countess. Sir, I am a poor friend of yours, that loves you.

Clown. O Lord, sir! Thick, thick, spare not me.

Countess. I think, sir, you can eat none of this homely meat.

Clown. O Lord, sir! Nay, put me to't, I warrant you.

Countess. You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.

Clown. O Lord, sir! spare not me.

Countess. Do you cry, 'O Lord, sir!' at your whipping, and

            'spare not me?' Indeed your 'O Lord, sir!' is very

            sequent to your whipping: you would answer very well

            to a whipping, if you were but bound to't.

Clown. I ne'er had worse luck in my life in my 'O Lord,

            sir!' I see things may serve long, but not serve ever.

Countess. I play the noble housewife with the time

            To entertain't so merrily with a fool.

Clown. O Lord, sir! why, there't serves well again.

Countess. An end, sir; to your business. Give Helen this,

            And urge her to a present answer back:

            Commend me to my kinsmen and my son:

            This is not much.

Clown. Not much commendation to them.

Countess. Not much employment for you: you understand me?

Clown. Most fruitfully: I am there before my legs.

Countess. Haste you again.

[Exeunt severally]