Act III, Scene 3

The forest

[Enter TOUCHSTONE and AUDREY; JAQUES behind]

Touchstone - Come apace, good Audrey; I will fetch up your goats, Audrey. And how, Audrey, am I the man yet? Doth my simple feature content you?

Audrey - Your features! Lord warrant us! What features?

Touchstone - I am here with thee and thy goats, as the most capricious poet, honest Ovid, was among the Goths.

Jaques (lord) - [Aside] O knowledge ill-inhabited, worse than Jove in a thatch'd house!

Touchstone - When a man's verses cannot be understood, nor a man's good wit seconded with the forward child understanding, it strikes a man more dead than a great reckoning in a little room. Truly, I would the gods had made thee poetical.

Audrey - I do not know what 'poetical' is. Is it honest in deed and word? Is it a true thing?

Touchstone - No, truly; for the truest poetry is the most feigning, and lovers are given to poetry; and what they swear in poetry may be said as lovers they do feign.

Audrey - Do you wish, then, that the gods had made me poetical?

Touchstone - I do, truly, for thou swear'st to me thou art honest; now, if thou wert a poet, I might have some hope thou didst feign.

Audrey - Would you not have me honest?

Touchstone - No, truly, unless thou wert hard-favour'd; for honesty coupled to beauty is to have honey a sauce to sugar.

Jaques (lord) - [Aside] A material fool!

Audrey - Well, I am not fair; and therefore I pray the gods make me honest.

Touchstone - Truly, and to cast away honesty upon a foul slut were to put good meat into an unclean dish.

Audrey - I am not a slut, though I thank the gods I am foul.

Touchstone - Well, praised be the gods for thy foulness; sluttishness may come hereafter. But be it as it may be, I will marry thee; and to that end I have been with Sir Oliver Martext, the vicar of the next village, who hath promis'd to meet me in this place of the forest, and to couple us.

Jaques (lord) - [Aside] I would fain see this meeting.

Audrey - Well, the gods give us joy!

Touchstone - Amen. A man may, if he were of a fearful heart, stagger in this attempt; for here we have no temple but the wood, no assembly but horn-beasts. But what though? Courage! As horns are odious, they are necessary. It is said: 'Many a man knows no end of his goods.' Right! Many a man has good horns and knows no end of them. Well, that is the dowry of his wife; 'tis none of his own getting. Horns? Even so. Poor men alone? No, no; the noblest deer hath them as huge as the rascal. Is the single man therefore blessed? No; as a wall'd town is more worthier than a village, so is the forehead of a married man more honourable than the bare brow of a bachelor; and by how much defence is better than no skill, by so much is horn more precious than to want. Here comes Sir Oliver.

[Enter SIR OLIVER MARTEXT]

Sir Oliver Martext, you are well met. Will you dispatch us here under this tree, or shall we go with you to your chapel?

Sir Oliver Martext - Is there none here to give the woman?

Touchstone - I will not take her on gift of any man.

Sir Oliver Martext - Truly, she must be given, or the marriage is not lawful.

Jaques (lord) - [Discovering himself] Proceed, proceed; I'll give her.

Touchstone - Good even, good Master What-ye-call't; how do you, sir? You are very well met. Goddild you for your last company. I am very glad to see you. Even a toy in hand here, sir. Nay; pray be cover'd.

Jaques (lord) - Will you be married, motley?

Touchstone - As the ox hath his bow, sir, the horse his curb, and the falcon her bells, so man hath his desires; and as pigeons bill, so wedlock would be nibbling.

Jaques (lord) - And will you, being a man of your breeding, be married under a bush, like a beggar? Get you to church and have a good priest that can tell you what marriage is; this fellow will but join you together as they join wainscot; then one of you will prove a shrunk panel, and like green timber warp, warp.

Touchstone - [Aside] I am not in the mind but I were better to be married of him than of another; for he is not like to marry me well; and not being well married, it will be a good excuse for me hereafter to leave my wife.

Jaques (lord) - Go thou with me, and let me counsel thee.

Touchstone - Come, sweet Audrey; We must be married or we must live in bawdry. Farewell, good Master Oliver. Not-

            O sweet Oliver,

            O brave Oliver,

            Leave me not behind thee.

            But-

            Wind away,

            Begone, I say,

            I will not to wedding with thee.

[Exeunt JAQUES, TOUCHSTONE, and AUDREY]

Sir Oliver Martext - 'Tis no matter; ne'er a fantastical knave of them all shall flout me out of my calling.

[Exit]